by Steven Carter, with Julia Sokol

I read He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships from cover to cover, highlighted lots of passages, then re-read the book again. I've just gotten out of a relationship with a commitment phobic man and I'm left picking up the pieces. This book has saved my life and given me new hope. My therapist has read this book, too, and I constantly refer to it. My partner was the ultimate textbook case of a CP. It's unbelievable, it was like they were writing about him all the time. Unfortunately, I read this book towards the end of the relationship. I highly recommend this book to anyone who believes they are involved with a CP and would like to change their way of looking at their future relationships. Also read by the same authors, Men Who Can't Love.~Anon

He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships

Book Description
Available for the first time in paperback, this follow-up to the phenomenally successful Men Who Can't Love tackles the issue of commitmentphobia, that persistent obstacle to truly satisfying contemporary relationships. Authors Stephen Carter and Julia Sokol explore why modern men and women are torn between the desire for intimacy and the equally intense need for independence. Drawing on numerous interviews and real-life scenarios, and written with humor, insight, and the kind of wisdom gained by personal experience, He's Scared, She's Scared offes guidance for all of us who want genuine, sustained intimacy with our romantic partners.

From the Publisher Available for the first time in paperback, this follow-up to the phenomenally successful Men Who Can't Love tackles the issue of commitmentphobia, that persistent obstacle to truly satisfying contemporary relationships. Authors Stephen Carter and Julia Sokol explore why modern men and women are torn between the desire for intimacy and the equally intense need for independence. Drawing on numerous interviews and real-life scenarios, and written with humor, insight, and the kind of wisdom gained by personal experience, He's Scared, She's Scared offes guidance for all of us who want genuine, sustained intimacy with our romantic partners.

READER'S COMMENTS ON  He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships

Are you always seemingly running into the "wrong" sort of romantic partner? Do you, like me, erect barriers or find something fundamentally wrong with your partner when someone gets too close for comfort? Is it ruining your life?

It's called self-sabotage. Welcome to it. This book is the cure. I not only bought this for myself, but for my best (male) friend.

I do not get into self-help books much, but Lord help me, I am TIRED of letting this type of behavior RUIN any hopes I might have of a successful dating and/or married life. I am TIRED of being alone. I am TIRED of the viscious cycle of emotional highs and lows -- not to mention destruction and heartbreak --this creates (for myself as well as others who are around me and those I may break up with).

I read He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships every night and write in a journal every night my thoughts and feelings. I would highly recommend reading this book in conjunction with a journal. chronicle your journey.

If you know someone who's conflicted or always seemingly with the wrong person, or always running, or always finding fault with potential mates, or feels they are attracting the wrong kind of potential mates, please, PLEASE buy this book for them. They will thank you.

The book is a good read besides being helpful. I've had a hard time putting it down since I received it.~December Girl

As I read He's Scared, She's Scared, I felt like it was describing me. I loved the emphasis on understanding myself as part of the commitment issue. I wouldn't have admitted my own issues with commitment in a million years before reading this book (who me??). I cannot speak highly enough about what I've learned and started to internalize. I feel stronger and more centered about what I want and where I'm going in life as a result of reading it. Highly recommended to anyone who thinks they might have commitment problems, or are involved with people who have commitment issues. *Hint from the authors: commitment phobics tend to seek each other out. Buy this book to understand your partner; you'll be surprised at what you learn about yourself.~Lisa

My life has changed! This was by far the best book EVER written on this subject. My world was completely rocked within the first few pages of the book. It was like seeing my life story in print.

I always knew there was something wrong with the kind of men that I kept choosing to date and eventually marry, but I had no idea what it was. After having been in a tumultuous (to say the least) relationship for the last three years, I thought it was time to understand once and for all what these men were all about. I figured by understanding them, I could avoid them in the future. What I wasn't prepared for was realizing that I too had a problem with commitment. The authors do a beautiful job of explaining that it's not just in relatioinships that this problem exists, but it permeates your entire life. Do you have a problem making decisions, do you always want a way out? It took me a while to recover from the shock, but once I did and kept on reading, I was amazed at how freeing this information was.

He's Scared, She's Scared described blow for blow what had happened over the last three years and I felt so much better knowing that it was not my problem, it was not that I was being rejected, it was that my partner had a problem with commitment, as did I and that's why we were drawn together. There are not enough words to describe how freeing this book has been for me.

The last chapter gives wonderful information on how to finally b reak away from a commitmentphobic and how to take care of yourself while doing it. They are extremely compassionate and understand that this is a painful time for you. I can't say enough good things about this book, if you've been in too many bad relationships, I'd say that's it's a necessity to get this book. ~A Reader

He's Scared, She's Scared on Amazon a few weeks ago. It was right around the time my "on again, off again" relationship was "on again." I was half way through the book when I found out the man I thought I loved (and who loved me) was seeing his exgirlfriend the entire 6 months we were together -- lying to her about everything and saying all the right things to her too. Thank God I had the book to read each night as I was asking myself what I did to deserve being treated so badly. The book felt like it was written specifically for me, and I couldn't believe how accurate it was. I must admit the first 2/3 of the book was a bit depressing to me, only because it opened my eyes to my behavior and my committment issues, as well as his, and I saw some things in myself I definitely need to change. By the end of the book, things were crystal clear to me. My heart is still broken, but each day it gets easier. Thanks to this book that taught me that I'm not crazy. I can't recommend this enough and am even considering sending one to his girlfriend!!~A Reader

He's Scared, She's Scared is fantastic! Having just ended a four year committed relationship with a great future and wondering "Why? What happened?", I purchased this book. Thank Heavens for a rainy Sunday because I could not put this book down. The authors thoroughly explain exactly what is going on in the mind and behavior of the commitmentphobic person. They help the reader understand the crazymaking behavior he or she suddenly exhibits and why. They also point out the signs that were there from the very beginning, but that we, the passive partners in the relationship, overlook, forgive, or refuse to acknowledge. The Appendix gives you ways to heal from the pain and move on in your life - and how to avoid getting involved with this type of person again. I very highly recommend this book to anyone whose fantastic relationship has ended and you are sitting there wondering "Why?". I would also recommend their previous book "Men Who Can't Love" - very enlightening.~A Reader

This book, rather than very expensive therapy, rather than crying to my sister, my friends, to anyone who would listen, this book HELPED ME to truly understand the patterns in my relationships. PLEASE don't dump this book into the pop-psychology catagory of "Mars Venus" or "The Rules" books. This is a far more profound and intellegent book. The authors are able to be entertaining, intellegent, and real without being condescending. I dog-earred and underlined at least 1/3 of the entire book, as being important enough to review over and over again. I wish that I could personally thank the authors. This book truly helped me and has altered my approach to relationships---entering them as a grown up. Which is what making a commitment is all about.~A Reader

If you think you or whoever you're involved with has commitment issues, you HAVE to read this book!!! REALLY! I would have read it in one sitting if I could have. He's Scared, She's Scared is filled with legitimate advice (not fluff), and I hate to say it but its dead on in a commitmentphobic relationship. I'm SOOO glad that I read this book. It will allow me to gain closure and hopefully not get in this predicament again.

PS: The last Appendix section is great if you've just gone through a break up!~A READER

I am the type of person who believed that I was cursed. I've never had a relationship last over a year and all of them ended with me nursing a gaping hole in my heart. Moreover, it took a long time for me to begin a new relationship. I always thought it was me. "I was too `picky.' I couldn't/wouldn't give a new girl a chance." I always have visions of a perfect relationship; one that was always slightly out of reach. I watched all of my childhood friends marry and begin a new life and I would get depressed. I always laughed at people that read self-help books and I would have a mental breakdown before I went to a therapist. After my last girlfriend left without warning, I decided I needed help. He's Scared, She's Scared was a God-send. As I was reading it, I was constantly saying, "Damn, that's me. I do that!" I read it twice and highlighted everything that described me. After reading the book, I realized that I am terrified of relationships that could result in commitments. I was sabotaging every one of my relationships without knowing it. Basically, this book gave me the therapy I needed without the cost of therapy, and I am in a constructive relationship and working on my phobias. This book will not cure you if you don't work on your problems, but it shoves your unconscious bad habits in you face. Thanks Steven and Julia. Not to sound sappy, but you changed my life.~A Reader

RE: He's Scared, She's Scared

This book is right on target for commitmentphobes. It made me understand that being a commitmentphobe isn't just about obvious runners (from intimacy) -- it can also be a pattern of choosing unsuitable or unavailable partners. Also, like me, you can switch back and forth between the patterns with different partners. After reading this book, I finally understood that I am a textbook case of a commitmentphobe.~A Reader

Wow. Where to begin. A friend recommended this book He's Scared, She's Scared). I have carried it with me for the past 5 days since my breakup. I am amazed because I feel as if the book is giving a biography of my ex as well as me. Every other word I am underlining and shaking my head "yes, yes!" This book has opened my eyes to the reality that I have a commitment issue (when I thought it was only my ex). I have read lots of "self help" books- this one takes the cake. I highly recommend this book to anyone who is looking not only for answers and understanding, but also strength to make it through the painful process of losing a love.~A Reader

Read more or order your copy of
"He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships" today!

You may also be interested in Dream Chasers: The CP Addiction - A Woman's Guide to Loving (and Leaving) a Commitment Phobic Man Available instantly - Break your addiction to him today!!

NEED HELP RIGHT NOW? In as little as a few minutes from now you could be reading From Commitment Phobe to "I Do!" - A strategic ten-step plan for getting your commitment phobic lover to make a commitment - to you!
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